Friday, July 3, 2015

Half of 2015

Honestly, 2015 had a rough start for me. I was miserable, i break down every 10 minutes, i couldn't get my head straight, i freak out, my insecurities were showing, heck, my stupidity was so obvious i think i had a "I'm Stupid" sign over my neck whenever i'm in public. I had to find myself again. I was so far off the right path, i had to seek for help. At first, i denied every single thing that was happening to me. I denied being heartbroken. I denied having myself in deep shit.

So i stopped writing, i stopped doing things that made me happy. I just had to start something new. I wanted a fresh start, a pure one. And so i looked for Him. Indeed, that is where i found myself again. Of course, with the help of faithful companions, Alhamdulillah. Arisha Rozaidee, if you're reading this, i swear, i believe that i owe you my life. Nik Nerissa, if you're reading this, i swear, i believe that i owe you my sanity. Sharifah Maryam & Amira Jeffery, if you're reading this, i swear, i believe that i owe you guys so much.

I came across this quote a few months back, "if you have nothing to hide, you have nothing to fear". You see, i share almost everything with my mum and dad. Everything. What i talk about with my friends, the guys i like, names of almost everyone in my batch, etc etc. Everything. Yes, everything. Well lets just say i did something i'm not proud of, that caused every single thing i mentioned above. And i never exactly shared this particular thing with my parents until two months ago. Turns out, they knew it all along. But they wanted me to learn it the hard way, because i said i wanted to. Silly, silly child.

I had to hide something from the loves of my life because i knew from the start that its something wrong and very much inappropriate to do. But i did it anyway. For two years. For two years, i disobeyed them, i lived in such a chaotic life, i pretended that everything was fine when it was obviously not. Countless times, my dad gave me hints that he knew what i was up to, but being the ignorant little kid i was, i ignored and continued doing what i was doing without feeling any guilt. I couldn't believe it too, what lust actually does to you.

I'm not going to be specific on what i did, lets just acknowledge that i was a very silly teenage girl. Ignorant and boastful. I was thinking with my heart instead of my head. I followed lust instead of what i'm supposed to do. Indeed, God is fair. He gives what you deserve. He loves each and every one of His servant, when time comes, He pulls you and puts you back to where you're supposed to be. Alhamdulillah, today, i'm happier than ever.

Looking back to my high school years, i'm not sure whether the 15-year-old me would be proud of myself right now. I was such a bright kid, full of passion in everything i do, active and cheerful. Where did that Aina go? I'm still finding myself, constantly trying to improve myself day by day. Forgive me for everything i did before, believe me when i say the old me is so dead and gone. The negative side of me, atleast. If you happen to know me during my zaman kejatuhan/jahiliyah/kegelapan, forgive me. Believe me when i say, i'm not the same person i was before (during that particular phase).

Anyway, half of 2015 passed by just like that. As a recap, i graduated my foundation studies back in April with a pretty good CGPA. I part-timed at Padini Concept Store for about a month before i quit, because i got bored (LOL). And i'm currently pursuing my passion in Silat, coaching here and there, learning and performing. Life's good, Alhamdulillah.

I'm picking up on my writings again, and insyaAllah i will be updating my blog much more frequent from today onward. 

Happy 16th Ramadhan! 

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