Monday, December 10, 2012

An unwanted past


Have you ever have that feeling when you try and try to forget your past.. and something happens, you feel like your whole past flashes before you? Well.. that happened to me. Earlier today. I thought i was strong enough to face it. Reality check: I ain't.

I went to Kedah earlier today. Alor Setar, specifically. Well, I was sleeping most of the journey. When ayah entered Gurun for the sake of corn, I was like.. pffft K. After we exited Gurun, I just couldn't sleep. The scenery was just.. wow. Breathtaking and amazing. The pure blue sky, the puffy white clouds, the green land. It was a perfect view.

But, that wasn't the reason why I couldn't sleep. It was because of a sign board I saw before we exited Gurun. That just remind me so much of my past. I know ibu saw it too. Well at least I think she saw it. When I saw it, it wasn't that big of a deal.

But when the breathtaking view caught my attention.. it was a whole new universe in my mind. It was like a rewind and play thing yknow? My heart beat faster when we entered Alor Setar. I felt like breaking down and screaming, wanting to go back home.

Everything in that town made me frown. I couldn't help but just to cry. It was just too horrid to even think about. Have you ever felt that way? That guilt. That unpleasant feeling. That feeling when you know you did wrong, you've done what you should have done but you still feel that guilt. You feel like going back and yelling at yourself, reminding yourself not to do a stupid thing like that.

That's what i felt. I was weak. So I did good to myself by telling ibu and ayah some ghost stories. Eheh.  

I know everyone has their own past. Some are horrible, some are unbelievable and some are just better left untouched. And mine is better left untouched. Can we just forget about it? What hurts me more is that.. the people that I left back then comes back and just.. try to punish me for it.

I know i've done wrong. But that was then. If you really want to punish me, can you please not do it in front of the people that don't know anything about it? I'm trying to start a new life. With pride and dignity, blessed by the Almighty. But with what you're doing to me.. it seems like you're not giving me any chance. It seems like you just want to bring me down.

Well guess what? You're succeeding. I feel like digging a whole and shove myself into it.

Everyone has a past. A bad one. And everyone doesn't like to be reminded about it. So don't remind me about mine

Aina Shobri.

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