Saturday, November 24, 2012

345 bloody days of pain

it's 3.30AM;
woke up all of the sudden with tears in my eyes.
mixed emotions are tearing me apart.
guilt, pleasure, devastation excitement, missing.
i don't know what's up with myself lately.
but almost everything i do seems so wrong.
not a single thing I've done gave me satisfaction.
i keep telling myself that it's going to be okay. 
but a week has passed and nothing's changed.
i'm wasting my time.
clock is ticking and SPM 2012 is almost over.

..yeah, i guess that's what it's all about.
the jitters. yeah, the fcking jitters.
they're going to be free from SPM and i got 11 painful months ahead. 

i clicked a new tab and typed,
and the first few tweets made me want to look even more.
there, i stumbled upon a few tweets that made me thought;
oh wow. by this time, they are really sucking up every muscle they got.
straining their neurons and pressuring their minds and saying,
"Hey it's not that bad. Only a few papers left and you're free!"
or even,
"For the sake of straight A plus, iId do anything."
and it's true. they don't even have to say it.
their actions speak louder than words.

i can't even imagine myself, this time of next year.
i can't. i just can't.
the emotional distractions are too much to handle.
there's too much unwanted things happening.
too much feelings to take care of.
too many gentle hearts to be looked out for.
too many egoist running around breaking hearts.
too much heartache beating in my soul.

i miss my buddies.
i want to spend time with them.
yet, i'm not being fair to myself.
for not spending time on my own. 
for not really spending time, doing those homeworks i should do.

"A straight A+ student should act the way she should. Not this." -Ayah

and that's a major ouch over there.
yeah, i can't believe it. SPM 2012 isn't quite over yet,
and i'm here, lying awake; at 3.30AM
because of SPM 2013 jitters.
the hell is that.

I've got too much to handle.

the weirdo,
Aina Shobri.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

My Dear, Take one step at a time. Don't take everything in a single will stumble & worst is fall. Remember "1st things 1st"? Prioritize, plan and discipline and stay strong & Focus. If need help, ask in timely manner else escalate. You cant solve everything...there are people around you that can help...the one that really care to help without expecting any returns.Pray hard to Allah to Barkah yr doings. Luv Ya.